Sic Semper Semanis

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Augustus Caesar: Father of Rome, But Not of Any Viable Heirs

It has been nearly twenty-five years now since Michael Crichton first published his hit best-seller Jurassic Park. For many Americans who read the book, this was our first introduction to the idea of chaos theory – the “scientific” philosophy that all events are interconnected such that, for example, a butterfly flapping its wings in China can start a breeze that will grow and change, dependent on other possibly random events, and finally culminate in a hurricane in Florida. If you’ve read Jurassic Park, you know what I’m talking about. (I don’t think they bothered explaining it in the movie, though.) …continue reading

Boss Tweed: Weaving a Fabric of Lies

William Magear “Boss” Tweed rose to prominence in New York in the mid 1800′s as a member of Tammany Hall, a left-leaning political machine that stayed in operation well into the second half of the twentieth century. You probably don’t remember when every man in America was a member of the Elks Club or the Moose Club or some other random animal that met once a week and had pancake breakfasts every so often because you’re alive right now, but since you’ve probably seen The Flintstones you should have a good idea of what I’m talking about. Anyway, Tammany Hall …continue reading

Queen Ranavalona I : Madagascariffic!

When it comes to power, you can’t have more of it than absolute. Thus, all absolute rulers are created equal. But inevitably, some are created more equal. This week’s dictator hits all the notes for me: she’s obscure, exotic, and completely crazy, and it’s time you learned about her because she was rad as hell. Dear reader, let me present to you Ranavalona, the Insane Queen of Madagascar. Ranavalona was married to the young crown prince of Madagascar more or less against her will right at the beginning of the nineteenth century. This honor was awarded to her when her …continue reading

Augusto Pinochet: The Chilean Dictator That Couldn’t

There are words we are all just used to seeing together: “scrambled eggs,” “late-night television,” “psychotic murderer” – the list goes on and on. We have all heard and read these phrases a million times, to the point where late-night television is only interesting if you’re going to be on it and have to pick something to wear, and psychotic murderers are pretty much not interesting to anybody at all anymore. As a result, we start looking for things that go against expectations – because when something is the opposite of what you think it’s going to be, that makes …continue reading

Jefferson Davis: This Essay is Not Really About Him

The American Civil War was about slavery. Can we all just agree on the as a starting point? The American. Civil. War. Was. About. Slavery. The first time I ever really, truly thought I was smarter than one of my teachers was when I was in high school, and a teacher of mine averred that every war the United States ever fought was about freedom except for the Civil War, which was about money. He was not a history teacher. Thank God. The simple, unavoidable fact is that in 1860, a group of Southern States decided to secede from the …continue reading

Emperor Hirohito: Putting the Land of the Rising Sun to Bed

Did you know that Japan has a government? It’s true! They make laws about how people should live in Japan, and they regulate things like how many Godzilla parts per million can show up in canned octopus before it is declared unsafe, how long schoolgirls’ skirts ought to be, and how many cubic feet go into one of those sleep pods that people use so they don’t have to rent an apartment for when they’re not at work. Japan’s government is a “constitutional monarchy,” which means “the Prime Minister is in charge, and the people vote occasionally, but whenever we …continue reading

Queen Elizabeth II: Possibly the World’s First Cyborg Queen?

In this here modern age of cell phone telephones and flying cars, it may seem strange and antiquated to think about the fact that England, by all accounts a perfectly modern country, still has a queen. Like, all the way a queen, with a crown and a castle and the whole bit. She’s a full-on queen, you guys. The queeniest. She even has a sick-ass queen name: Elizabeth. Because Elizabeth is what queens are named. Say what you want to about Queen Elizabeth, she’s real good at queening. Probably because she’s been doing it for so dang long. Elizabeth became …continue reading

Blackbeard the Pirate: Teaching the Caribbean Who’s Boss

The scariest and most famous pirate ever was called Blackbeard, but that wasn’t his real name. He got his real name when he was born, and only a crazy or very stupid person would name a baby “Blackbeard,” because babies don’t have beards and that wouldn’t make any sense. Blackbeard’s real name was Edward Teach or Edward Thatch or Edward Drummond or something else, and he was probably born in Bristol (England) if he wasn’t born in another place. The truth is that it is impossible to know much about Blackbeard’s early life, because he was born in a time …continue reading

Emperor Constantine: Arbiter of Christian/Lion Relations

Despite what you may have heard, the Holy Roman Empire actually was all three of those things, just not in that order. First it was Roman. Later, it became an Empire. It wasn’t until many many hundreds of years later that it became Holy, and by that time it was very close to the end of its being an Empire, but nobody knew that at the time. And all of it was overseen by Constantine, the man remembered by history as being the Emperor who made Rome Holy. He was also remembered for murdering his son and his wife, but …continue reading

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin and the Russian Revolution

Remember when you thought Communism was a good idea? Don’t lie to me. You did. You were a freshman in college and you hated the government because you couldn’t direct your anger at your parents anymore, so you carried around a copy of the Communist Manifesto that you never actually read, and you always got really worked up talking to strangers at parties about how cool it would be if everyone could just take care of each other for once. I remember this. I was there. Don’t be embarrassed, you got over it after you got a job just like …continue reading